SUNNY CAL JOURNAL - Hurbonics 101: Things Heard On Country Store Porch

(01/30/2022)
By Bob Weaver

In the Village of Hur, local educators a number of years ago developed a communication course called Hurbonics 101, which offered interpretative skills for "hillbilly" mountain English which tends to slow speech, slur words, and utter them in short, unintelligent statements.

While often called "Hillbilly Talk," the mountain nuances are mostly derived from old English, Irish and German.

This form of the spoken word is confusing to non-residents who have moved to Hur and help is needed for 21st Century interpretation.

Things heard on the porch of Charley Starcher's Store or the McCoy Store at Hur during the 1940s-1960s, or almost everything you needed to know about life, all uttered with a quick sideways twang:

"Slipperier than snot on a door knob."

"As nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room of rockin' chairs."

On being ignorant: "Couldn't pour piss out of a boot."

"Slower than molasses in January."

"So full of shit his eyes are brown."

"Hotter than the hinges of hell."

"Jumping from the frying pan into the fire."

"Cuter than a speckled pup."

"Might be small, but he's wound tight."

"So drunk he couldn't hit his ass with both hands."

"Wouldn't say shit if he had a mouthful."

"Like a kettle calling the pot black."

"Smells bad enough to to stink a dog off a gut wagon."

"Dry as a popcorn fart."

"Didn't know whether to shit or wind his watch."

"Shinier than a new penny."

"Nervous as a whore in church."

"Useless as tits on a boar hog."

"Sharper than a tack." "Madder than a wet hen."

"Uglier than sin."

"Smart as a whip."