By Jack Cawthon|
I have been confused and bewildered after the recent presidential election, as have others, notably Democrats. Over and over I hear that it was a grassroots movement.
I decided to check with my political pundit in Big Puf, where the grass grows most luxurious--and illegally-- rooted in the fertile hill soil and environment, thinking that might explain at least the part that grass had played in the recent election process.
Argyl Pratlow had served as political boss for many years in the Tri-Holler region, ensuring the reelection of Bobby Gene Bubba to the state legislature one way, or which ever way it took, for years. At one time there was a flap over an election where voting irregularities were alleged by the loser as contrasted to recent complaints by a national winner. Bobby Gene has a herd of purebred Angus cattle, which he has affectionately named. Somehow, all the herd names showed up on the voting roles. Bobby Gene's explanation, which seemed accepted and reasonable by Big Puf standards, was "hell, them cows was registered!"
A call to Argyl brought an angry response when I mentioned the political turmoil that seems to prevail at the national level. When I asked him about the immigrant issue so much in the news and which has played such a prominent part in the controversy surrounding the president, he cut loose. "Them furrin people wanting to come into the country and whinin' about not having a visa make me sick," he spit. "I didn't have a Visa for years 'till I built up my credit; now I got me a Visa and a Master Card to boot and even a green card I use at the grocery store for a discount." Well, that solved the immigrant issue about as well as any other I have heard.
Next, I asked him if it was proper to discriminate on religious issues. "No sir," he responded. "Take me. I am open-minded as can be. I was dunked completely under when I was baptized. I associate every day by them folks who just had some water throwed on 'em. I figure if'n theys so dumb as to go to hell when they die, I don't hassle with 'em!"
Well, I had answers to two major pressing issues of the day, but I felt Argyl wanted to add more to the conversation. He continued: "Know that mess with Mexicans. Just to distract us," he spat. Sounded like I might be on to something CNN and the fake news outlets had missed. "Want to know the real threat?" he asked. "Tell me," I pleaded, turning a fearful state of white, which now should predominate over the blue and red ones.
"It's Canada where we's in trouble!" I couldn't let the story drop now, as I felt obligated to my journalism principles that I might have the opportunity to correct all the fake news gaining ground. Argyl continued: "All the while we are ready to go to war with Mexico the Canadians slippin' across the border gittin' ready to take over the country unnoticed. Biggest mistake we ever made takin' down them forts we had agin the British."
According to Argyl, we can spot a Mexican right off as they look swarthy and you can't understand their talk. Canadian look so much like us they can mingle easily and, although they talk funny, so do the people in New York, New Jersey and Pennsylvania where they are apt to congregate. "We'd sure know right off in Big Puf," he declared, and he was certain none had settled there as nobody talked funny except Arley Cleeter who was from Pennsylvania, but come to think of it, he had better be watched.
He pointed out that the border with Canada is open and should be considered first for a wall to ward off the advance. He had one further factor in his favor. "They's stirin' up the Indians big time. Just like their British kin in our big war with 'em--and it could be the British behind it all as them Canadians still devil worship a queen--that Indian uprising, a cover up over a pipeline, was just gettin' 'em riled to go on the warpath." Next thing we know, we'll have an Indian war on our hands and the Canadians in our midst will make their move and we'll all be under that Commie metric system!"
Well, this conversation caused me to think, but like so many others too late for the recent election. The only relief I felt that might save us all was the assurance by our new president that his administration was running like a fine-tuned machine. I once had a 1972 Ford Comet that ran the same way. Traded it for a German VW Beetle. Sad!