By Tony Russell|
"Next case, please."
"Here I am, Your Honor."
"According to the information before Me, you're here
to appeal My original decision. Is that correct?"
"Yes, Your Honor. There must have been a mistake in
Your paperwork. I'll admit I wasn't perfect, but I
worked hard at carrying out Your wishes. Damned hard,
as it turns out."
"We haven't made a mistake yet, but We're certainly
willing to hear your testimony. You may proceed."
"Thank you, Your Honor. First off, I diligently
carried out Your anti-homosexual program. I have to
say, I made their lives miserable, exactly as You
desired. Can You believe they wanted to work, marry,
have health insurance, work with kids, teach, all that
kind of thing, just like normal human beings made in
Your image? My efforts to defeat their 'gay agenda'
apparently weren't included in your accounts."
(Paging through the folder in front of Him) "We find
extensive documentation for those activities on pages
six through forty-eight of your file."
"Is that right? I thought my zeal in this matter
would carry a lot of weight in Your decision."
"It was a factor. Is there more?"
"Yes, Your Honor. I want you to know that I strongly
supported the holy war against Islam."
"I have it right here in front of me. Over a million
Iraqis dead, all told, the majority of them children,
and more than two million displaced refugees, barely
managing to survive."
"Gee, You had that too? I can't take credit for all
of them, but I was proud to play my part. I would
have thought those numbers alone might sway Your
"Again, they were a factor. Are there other 'good
deeds' you wish to draw to Our attention?"
"I chased wealth so that other people viewing my
prosperity could see how You bless Your followers. I
had a large house, a big SUV, closets full of clothes,
a snowmobile, a jet boat, and a motor home. I want you
to know I enjoyed every one of them. Thanks for all
the neat stuff!"
(Scanning file) "I can't find any record that We made
those shipments to you."
(Surprised) "The Devil you say! I wonder where they
"Is there anything else you'd like to add, before We
rule on your appeal?"
(Pulls out his notes) "I have a few more things to
add, Your Honor. I subjugated my wife, as per your
written instructions. And that was a toughie. She
didn't give in without a fight."
"She has already spoken with Me about that a number
"I made sure my kids understood that this nonsense
about Your taking 4.54 billion years to create Earth
as we know it robs the world of its wonder. What's
impressive about that? Doing the job in less than a
week a few thousand years ago--that's what really
rocks. So to speak. No reference to the decay of
long-lived radioactive isotopes in so-called 'ancient
rocks' intended, Your Honor."
(Unable to suppress a groan, mutters, "God-in-a-box,
everywhere We turn.") "Tell me, are you familiar with
the phrase 'The road to Hell is paved with good
(Defendant gulps) "That sounds ominous, Your Honor.
Does that mean...?"
"No. We have decided to remand you to Our Work/Study
program. You have fifty years to pull up those paving
"God Bless You, Your Honor. I mean, Bless Yourself.
I mean.... I'm eternally grateful. Or will be. You
know what I mean?"
"Of course. Next case, please."
© Tony Russell, 2008