OF PRINCIPALITIES AND POWERS - All The Latest Columns

(08/16/2005)

By Tony Russell

“Democrats Search for a Winning Issue”

It was getting late—after nine o’clock—and everyone should have headed home for supper long ago, but a few staffers were still in the conference room, brainstorming, trying to find an issue that could revive the Democratic Party. They were all still reeling from losing yet again to George W. Bush and falling even farther from power in Congress.

“Come on, guys,” said Dave. “There’s gotta be an issue that really connects with ordinary people, that energizes them, that offers them a real choice and lets ‘em know the Democratic Party cares about them, listens to them, and is tuned in to their concerns.”

“Oh, you put it so well,” said Barb. “That is just so true.”

“National security has always been a Republican strong point,” Danny threw out, “but now that it’s been proven Iraq didn’t have any weapons of mass destruction, and Saddam Hussein had nothing to do with September 11, the whole Bush administration has been discredited on that issue. I think there’s a real opportunity there for us.” ... Read more   readtonyrussell.blogspot.com

“The Bush Administration Guide to Theories and Facts”

One thing you have to admire about those take-charge guys in the White House is the clear line they draw between theories and facts. [Note to basketball fans: “Take charge” here does not mean letting an opponent who is dribbling with the ball run into you and knock you down. Just the opposite.]

For those who aren’t political fans, or who only watch for a few days during the playoffs every four years, here is a brief guide. It gives you everything you need to become your own “talking head,” which is a name given on political talk shows to heads that have been inflated with hot gas. When these heads are placed in front of a microphone, their mouths open and the gas escapes in long paragraphs. “Talking heads” have generously donated their limbs, organs, and other body parts to hospital recycling programs.

Weapons of Mass Destruction - It is a fact that Saddam Hussein was creating, producing, and storing biological, chemical, and nuclear weapons, all intended to be used against the United States. We know precisely what quantities he had of each and where they are located. You don’t think we would slaughter thousands of innocent Iraqis, send 150,000 US troops overseas, and spend over $200 billion of your tax money on the basis of a theory, do you? ... Read more   readtonyrussell.blogspot.com

“The Media’s Liberal Bias”

Weldon and I were in Angela’s Ashtray, the local coffee shop, ingesting starter fluid by the cupful. Three ladies were in the booth behind us, and since we were sitting quietly, still meditating—so far as I could tell—on whether to get out of bed, we could hardly help overhearing their conversation.

One with a particularly nasal voice was saying, “It’s just disgusting that all of our news gets filtered through the liberal media. They’re so biased.”

A throatier voice (obviously a chain smoker) picked up the theme. “I know. I get so sick of their one-sided reporting. Rush Limbaugh talks about it all the time.”

“He does, doesn’t he,” agreed the first woman. “When I drove from New York to California last summer, there wasn’t a mile when I was out of the range of a station carrying his show, and I heard him mention it constantly.”

The third woman, with a thinner, high-pitched voice (a soprano with a whine) chimed in. “So does Bill O’Reilly. Really, the media just shut conservative voices out of the debate.” ... Read more   readtonyrussell.blogspot.com

“Uncle Sam’s Black Eyes”

“Have you seen Uncle Sam lately?” I asked.

Denzil looked glum. “I ran into him down in front of the drug store last week,” he said. “Lord, the old fella was a mess.”

“How’s that?” I said.

“Can you believe it?” he said. “The old man had two black eyes. The right one was almost swelled shut.”

“Jeez o Pete! What happened to him?”

“That’s what I wanted to know. I said, ‘Uncle Sam, how did you get those black eyes?’ He just looked at me and said, ‘What black eyes, Sonnyboy?’”

“I’ll bet that threw you for a loop. How do you answer a question like that?”

“Beats the heck out of me. I said, ‘Uncle Sam, have you looked in the polls lately?’ And he said, ‘Sonnyboy, I know my hair is combed straight. I don’t need to look in the polls before I walk out the door.’”

“What’s with the polls?”

“The international polls show that after that illegal invasion of Iraq, with all those phony excuses he made to justify the war, Uncle Sam got a real black eye. The other one got blackened when the prison abuse scandals broke, and it turned out the U.S. was torturing prisoners all over the globe, and jailing people without following any civilized, democratic procedures. While claiming to be waging a war to ‘spread democracy.’”

“And?”

“And the polls show that internationally, people’s opinion of the United States as a country that stands for freedom, truth, justice, and tolerance has dropped like a bowling ball thrown into an elevator shaft. The same polls show, though, that the people of the U.S. still rank themselves #1 in all those categories!”

“Jeminy, that’s quite a disconnect. So Uncle Sam refuses to look at the polls?”

“He just walks around with those black eyes and claims that everything’s hunky-dory. He insists he can see just fine, thank you.”

“Hasn’t anybody tried to talk some sense into him?” ... ... Read more   readtonyrussell.blogspot.com


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