HUR NEWS - Stimulus Cash Will Build Hur's Liposuction And Soap Factory

(04/28/2009)

By Bob Weaver

HUR'S NEW MAYOR DECLARED A VISIONARY

There is big economic development news this week in Hur.

"I'm excited about the Supreme Court ruling that government can take just about anyone's property for almost any reason," said Mayor Neville Nitz.(*1)

"It's about time grumpy citizens who hold up progress learn their lesson," he said. He claims constitutional protection over property rights have grossly been abused.

"I know most American's thought the ruling would help out WalMart, but we can use it right here in Hur," he told the Herald.

"It's domain by the mighty, coupled with unfettered deregulation."

"Today, I'm announcing a new economic development program to bring jobs to Hur and Calhoun County, and I'm seeking the support of every member of the Council for Social Improvement and Upward Mobility," he said.

"Finally, we'll get some funding, some stimulus cash straight from Washington," he said.

Nitz (left) said he was making an application to the WV State Economic Development Authority in Charleston to build the Hur Liposuction Institute and Soap Factory.

"If they can spend $750,000 on Mike Ross' golf tournament in Clarksburg, by golly they can spend some money on real jobs right here in Hur."

He said "We're getting on first base with this project," following the news that West Virginia has the most fat people of any state in the union. (*2)

The mayor said the opportunity is enormous. People will come from all over to the clinic to have their fat sucked out.

"It's a double-winner! Then we can then take the fat byproducts and make soap," he said.

"I've already got some names for the soap," saying his slogan will be "Human Soap for Human Beings - Off with the Dirt."

He is sponsoring a contest to name the product, asking Herald readers to submit ideas.

The mayor described it a real win-win.

"We are going to take-over Dolly Kerby's house down on Slider Fork for the clinic and factory, using eminent domain," indicating the old woman's house is about to fall down anyway. "Besides she'd do better in a nursing home. We need some level land."

Little Billy Braveheart (right), Hur's civics prodigy, boy reporter and frequent do-gooder, said he would challenge the project at the next meeting of Hur's Council for Social Improvement and Upward Mobility, mostly because he likes the 89-year-old woman.

"This is just not right to do this to poor old Dolly," Billy said.

The Mayor said "Billy's a smart little buster. He doesn't understand how the world works. Progress is the name of the game."

"Why in West Virginia we let coal companies build dust-generating processing mills a few feet from grade schools," he said, "and let chemical plants lie to 911 when they're blowing up." "We can't keep stepping on the hands that feed us."

"Everyone knows that mountaintop removal will bring flat land and progress to the state."

Nitz said former mayor Lewis Slider failed to get the Skunk and Snake Farm located on the Kerby Ridge a few years ago. "He just didn't measure up in the jobs department."

Nitz managed to remove Slider from office, although Slider had declared himself mayor.

"Let's face it. Slider was crooked," he said. "People got tired of that Uncle Sam hat and his draping the America flag around his body while stuffing a whole apple pie down his throat."

"Heck, he even sold his Chevrolet after he got tossed out."

"Everyone knows I'm fair, honest and upright. I've even hung up a plaque of the Ten Commandments on the town office," he concluded.

Slider says he is working on a political comeback.

This latest economic development news comes following the invention of a solar powered ATV by Hur resident Bevus Fellhinder (left).

"Now there's an invention every American will want to buy, particularly those who have been whining about high gas prices and the collapse of the US automakers," said Nitz.

"It's free market in action. We don't need those big auto companies with hundred of thousands of workers."

"We built the solar ATV right here in Hur with minimum wages."

Fellhinder is still putting finishing touches on his patent.

(*1) The US Supreme Court has sustained that government can actually condemn private property for most reasons.

(*2) Actual news reports have declared WV is having the biggest problem with obesity, with a team from the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta being dispatched to the state to help curb the epidemic.

Nitz's soap naming contest is now open.

MAYOR HONORS AMERICAN FLAG


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