CAWTHON'S CATHARSIS - Russians Hack Hur Herald

(03/19/2017)

By Jack Cawthon 2017
bbqrun@hotmail.com

Note: There has been a lot of talk about fake news recently. Believe me, it is out there. Cable news, talk shows, your local channels, the media everywhere can't be trusted.

The fake news to take the trophy for the most unbelievable event happened only recently and it was so absurd that I could never understand how anyone could be taken in by it.

Briefly, it centered around a fat, old man with funny hair who has billions of dollars and who hosted TV reality shows, staged beauty contests and seemingly messed with contestants, who favored Putin, the terrorist in charge of Russia and who openly admired the Russians greatly, who called for building a wall around our southern borders with Mexico, who has investments all over the world, including Russian affiliates, and who became president of the United States after losing the election by three million votes. Fake news! So sad!

Now, after all this, don't tell me you can't trust what you read here in the Herald.

Did I, especially, a dedicated columnist, ever lead you astray?

Trust me, and don't tell me you have heard this before, as Nixon lied!! Now to a story that you will read only here in the Herald, as we don't intend to share with the fake media! You betcha!

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RUSSIANS HACK HUR HERALD

I received an urgent call some days ago from Arley Cleeter in Big Puf. He desperately wanted a meeting with me and wouldn't disclose any details over the phone as he felt the line wasn't safe from bugging.

I don't like the travel to Big Puf in winter time, but as Arley led me to believe I owed it to my journalistic dedication and most certainly to my role as a loyal American to put selfish comfort aside and come listen to his revelations.

Am I ever glad that I did! Because at long last I discovered why Arley had come to Big Puf. It was the perfect place for his clandestine operations for the government, reaching into its highest levels, some as high up as the ninth floor in one instance!

Arley arrived in Big Puf as a sort of migrant hippie type from Pennsylvania. He established residence in an old Pratlow tumbled down cabin, but gradually began to fit into the Big Puf way of life, which in itself was strange as he didn't try to change it, unusual for most outsiders, especially from the progressive northland.

He took a bit of getting used to. He burned books for his winter heat and he put up one of those little satellite dishes, which he said enabled him to reach out to his friends by computer email.

The rest of the folks in Big Puf with computers had tried relying on land lines, which were generally out and had found that the speediest way to send emails was to type them out, print them, and then drop them in addressed envelopes at the nearest post office.

Hershel Pratlow has always maintained that computer problems for hill folks will not be solved from what is called Broadband. "You cain't squeeze a broadband into a narry holler," he exclaims, "them egets don't know their optics from barbed ware!" But I digress.

But as Arley continued to fill me in I began to understand the perilous situation we had faced from a foreign power. The Russians had been conducting surveillance for some period of time, he said, and he had only recently discovered that the hacking of the Hur Herald on several occasions had been to discover what had long baffled the Russians: the exact location of Big Puf, a secret which Arley credited to me in my efforts to protect the residents from contamination of the outside world, but which, in turn, appeared to the Russians to be a ruse to hide a secret government project.

The other vital information the Russians desired was the exact purpose of the Bear Fork Wilderness area and a so-called hunting club, which to the Russian mind could only be a paramilitary front for secret training forces such as the elite Seal Teams.

Their satellites flying over the thousands of acres of Bear Fork could not detect the activities they felt certain were taking place. Therefore, they turned to the Herald hoping to intercept personal messages made by Bob Weaver, who they felt was high in the structure, being made an honorary member of the group years ago.

In this respect, the Russians may have interfered in the recent election in which Weaver was defeated for his re-election bid as county commissioner, Arley confided, in the hopes that he would devote more attention to the Bear Fork activities. In fact, Weaver is preparing a book devoted to the Bear Fork operatives, which the Russians believe is only to cover up the real existence of the group. Therefore, the hack into the Herald computer system hoping to discover secrets that Weaver may have left in it.

As I disclosed this plot by the Russians to Weaver, he sheepishly replied that he might have been a "bit careless" in his personal correspondence. However, he denied any secret association with any organization that would attempt to conduct secret training in the Bear Fork region for government activities of any sort.

"Are they armed?", I asked," and if so what is that purpose?"

His reply was "to hunt panthers, alligators, and hyenas" that are rumored to inhabit the Bear Fork wilderness. Then, he winked at me. I knew then I was coming close to knowledge that should be sheltered.

And so I salute such loyal Americans as Arley Cleeter, Bob Weaver, and the forces making up the Bear Fork "Hunting Club." They are the dedicated people serving on the front lines that can only make America great again!

(Addendum: If you believe this is fake news please Tweet it so thousands of others may read it. Help make the Herald great again!)


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